A Letter from Low-Earth Orbit
Report: 10 days Post 5150 (with updated notes 16.11.25)
Got a phone again.
Back en communicato.
still non compus mentis.
We all know that I’m quite mad, but I don’t think I’ve ever realized the full potential for chaos these hypermanic episodes of mine possess…
or perhaps they are simply getting “worse”?
The first of these experiences I can recall that was similar (and perhaps the least “complicated”) occurred back in 2012 at the Grand Sierra post BM.
This experience included experiences of teleportation, telepathy, the finding of lost or desired objects (drugs, money, etc.) via the opening of doors & cabinets in ways that should have required the hinges be moved around the sides. Eventually I would find what I was looking for by opening doors in strange ways.
It also included the knowledge that “this” would happen to me again. Feelings that this experience was only a sort of toe-dip in the waters. A taste of what was to come. Designed to prepare me for a future experience which would be of increased intensity & duration.
In 2014, I had another of these hypermanic episodes, this time of a much greater intensity, and this time it happened in an environment where my experience “necessitated” the involvement of many concerned individuals. This happened at the WVC conference at IONS.
A more recent experience was in 2022, about six weeks before my mentor and dear friend, Dr Tom’s unexpected death, and about a month and a half or so before my friend and lover SlinkyCat (Dayna Gellert) passed away.
This experience also occurred just days after completing & tasting the compound Dr. Tom and I discovered, Szabóamine HCl (5-PrO).
This experience was way more polished and immersive and in every way more reality-like in its felt-ness. I had decided to climb above the fog, high on a mountain top above ”the Tupperware Party” at Saratoga Springs that I was attending.
This experience included the very realistic experience of a sort of telepathic communication or psychic radio connection tied to a very specific spot on the mountainside behind a small bush.
I was suddenly aware that I was in fact acting out some sort of ritual of initiation and was then “tuned in” to communication with a cadre of my peers and respected elders.
It sounded like it was coming through a radio, or a cheap internet connection. Like a radio that I had to tune, it came into ”focus” as I positioned myself to lean against the mountainside and rest, looking back out over the cloud draped landscape below. Coming in and out of focus as I moved my head to one side or another. It sounded and felt more like technology of some sort than a mental power.
Very believable at the time. I felt as though I was on Mt. Olympus. The voices of my friends were the 11 older Olympians and they were welcoming me as the youngest immortal. As Dionysos, and attempting to persuade me to join them there on the mountain top.
They were egging me on to reach the top of the mountain where they were all waiting. They had set up this elaborate initiation disguised as a large party and I could often hear them discussing whether or not I would be able to figure it all out & and perform the ritual properly. Many were sort of laughing about how I would never figure it out in time, and that they’d be attempting to initiate me for years to come. How long and hard they were going to have to work for me to finally “get it” and reach the top. Whether they would have to set up another of these initiation rituals. Some dismissing it. Saying that I had already figured it out, “Look at him”.
They seemed able to see me as well as talk with me.
This lead to me losing the trail high above the folks below. Finding myself surrounded by mountain lion shite and slowly backing myself down toward humanity. Dead certain the lion(s) were watching me and hoping I could find my way back to the trail & make it back to humanity below without being eaten.
Upon reaching the party below my attempt to relay my experience was met with immediate concern and I stopped talking about it.
It happened again just last year in 2024. This one is still too fresh and painful to sort through, but it coincided with the collapse of ASRI and the best relationship I’ve ever been a part of. I’ll have to fill this in at a later date.
But this most recent experience that seems to have begun around October 10th (four days after my birthday)
was BIG!
Even more confusing.
Perhaps the most manic I have ever been, and definitely for the longest duration.
The sheer exhaustion from a month of spiritual emergency combined with the 300mg of Seroquel per day I’ve been taking since leaving the hospital, have me floating in a strange space.
I’m happy to report that I do feel mostly fairly normal these last few days.
Perhaps I will recall other times these experiences occurred, but each experience has been a continuation, a building up of the same script. It builds on the previous experiences in a way that repeats, but in a more spiralling manner.
Not so much anymore, but the ealiest of these experience leaves me with feelings that what just happened to me was a preview of what was to come in future experiences. In many ways this has always proven “true”.
There’s a sort of veiling of my reality with that of the Ancient World. A mythic overlay onto my life where everything takes on additional meaning and significance. Everything takes on Greco-Persian mythic overtones. Things in my life begin to align both with historical, and mythic personas & events.
Many things that I don’t really believe in begin occurring regularly. Things like telepathic connections (again with this most recent experience, I had multiple telepathic radio experiences). This time the telepathic Zoom call seemed to be emanating from my computer, which is extra confusing as without a phone I was also talking to everyone via my computer. These were not phone calls though. They can be easily distinguished by the content of the conversations. Here again was my friends and respected elders urging me to figure it out and complete the ritual.
Joking about being tired of watching me almost get it.
In the most general expression, there is a significant increase in my ability to manipulate the reality around me. I am also unable to catch up to my present. I become sort of unstuck in time. Watching what I’m doing, but not quit able to control it. Catching up to my present, enough to gain control is not possible. In the aftermath I can recall most events but not all. Much of the detail and conversation is lost forever. The only hope for a complete picture is with the memories of others who can fill in some of the missing detail.
After the episode, or now near the end, the timeline of events that occurs it is often difficult for me to reconcile.
Anyway, that’s what it feels like.
Many, many things converged last month that pushed me into this state. If not a +4, something substantially similar then.
Terrifying.
Illuminating.
Serious.
I’m overcome with creative ideas.
New myths in their entirely flower in my mind.
Choreographic fantasies of flowers made of dancers legs (I was a “jazz” dancer from sixth grade until just before freshman year),
graphic representations of complex ideas & systems are there, just behind my eyelids.
Are these events important for me to have? They feel important. Or perhaps it’s just my brain misbehaving and not working “normally”.
It is often hard to retain the positivity of the episode amidst the damage-control & relationship-mending needed in the aftermath, especially if my actions required the intervention of my loved ones like it did tis time.
The main take-away from this experience was that I am blessed with 200+ friends that love and support me. I would be humbled and extremely fortunate to have even one friend like this. The scale of the help that rallied on my behalf still has me crying with humility.
The experience (when it happens outside of an appropriate environment) ends with much much work on my part to salvage and repair relationships. It’s not uncommon for those I love the most to pull away from me permanently after an episode (location being the main determinant of whether my condition is seen as just a strange weird time, or is seen as a serious medical emergency. A stressful over the top marathon of an endurance race for my friends).
I’m often accused of not taking responsibility for my actions.
Not taking things seriously enough.
Being too smart to not understand or remember things.
Why can’t I grow up and stop doing this!
I wish I could.
The last thing I want is to turn another loved one into a worn out former friend.
Those who care for me the most are often those that I lose. Lovers, girlfriends, and the handful of people I feel closest to are often at the top of the “lost” list.
It pushes me into an even more isolated place.
Leads to even deeper feelings of disconnection from others.
Deep regret and the loss of dear friends leads to extreme sadness and the drugs become even more alluring.
The lord of flowers calls become louder his gifts even more appreciated.
Their effects now seem honed to relieve my despair and pain.
This is dangerous, un-welcomed, and it terrifies me with nightmares of an increasingly bleak future.
Will I eventually become completely unlovable?
Will the truth of ME become too hard to hide, keeping me from employment?
Or worse, relegate me to boring uncreative jobs?
This recent episode was dominated by a new fear of dying alone.
And lately I feel deaths stare.
I feel it lurking on the edges.
Sometimes it’s feels like my friends & love ones would be better off with memories and stories about me.
Relieved of my greedy need for love and connection.
Excused of my messianic maniacal madness.
This is hard to admit, but during these episodes and occasionally even during the calm times, it’s not uncommon for me to be filled with frustration about how dumb everyone around me is, how slowly they move and think. They seem filled with stupid ideas. Lining up, all too ready to follow other’s even dumber ideas.
It becomes hard to accept help when those offering the help seem clueless.
Admit the’re clueless.
Or reveal themselves to be liars when they assure me they know something useful and CAN help me.
This is the hardest part of this whole process, the aftermath.
This is when all the joy, euphoria and certainty turn to tears.
Lots and Lots of tears.
Lifetime regret set in.
People walk away and never return.
I don’t blame them to be clear.
I do mourn the loss.
Often crying about their absence for many years after their departure.
The aftermath is hard.
I must attempt to mend & repair, to make sufficient apologies, to make amends to all the friends, loved ones and relationships that I pushed past their limits.
The most difficult aspect is to accept that some of the people I love the most have had enough and ultimately I will have to learn to live without their presence in my life going forward.
I have a hard time feeling connected to people.
Despite the legion of friends and folks I love and that love me back.
It’s extremely rare for me to actually feel like I’m seen and accepted.
It pushes me to act foolishly, attempt to make folks laugh, to entertain.
A sad attempt to cultivate connection, as it mostly creates distance between myself and “my audience”.
How can I expect anyone to love me.
To be close to me, when I’m THIS person with THIS pattern.
It keeps me stuck, only able to love from afar.
It re-enforces my feelings of alienation and the inability to connect to anyone I actual love; anyone I actually care for.
How can I be myself when myself & my life are a such a dangerous mess.
Why would I want anyone I love to allow my typhoonery into their life?
I wouldn’t, and so I can only retreat; pull away; try to keep away from loved ones.
This is not possible.
I am surrounded by too many loving friends
So here I am.
The luckiest most loved man alive.
Here I am.
Alone.
I’m working on polishing up my language relating these experiences, this is also a work-in-progress so bear with me please and check back for revisions if you’d like.
∞
Only Friends are Real
Embrace Shulgin-ness
DON’T SCARE THE HORSES
DO BETTER!
≈Ω≈
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d’Çłęfțïį VVækåńțęæ
——CIRCS——
